I'm finding it hard to distinguish between reality and dreams at the moment. I first noticed it shortly after I sold my soul to Griff Rhys-Jones for an iPod made of shortbread.

So, there I sat in Felix's room, punching the air and gnashing my teeth with aggressive enthusiasm after snorting a third of an ounce of MDMA, watching Fear and Loathing and repeatedly telling him he was a 'fucking cool guy'. I'd already had about five double whiskeys and two pints, but the alcohol had started to wear off, largely obscured by the wide-eyed, over-optimistic loudmouth of a drug that is MD.

At some point Felix mentioned Salvia Divinorum, and I thought it'd be a brilliant idea to smoke some of the 40x extract he had left. Lots of irresponsible fucking about with scissors, foil, and bottle caps ensued until we'd modified a bong to be able to catch the fine powder.

I took a toke. He took one. I took another, exhaled after a few seconds, then stopped on account of losing my grip on reality to such a degree that I couldn't even remember who I was, let alone what I was doing. It felt as though reality itself was constantly 'folding up' around me, and as I couldn't remember smoking the little fucker, I had no other explanation but that the universe was ending. Disappearing. It was like God was closing the universe like a book, and I simply had no option but to accept it. It's quite hard to explain the crushing 'revelation' that absolutely everything you know and understand is coming to a close, but needless to say it involves no small amount of despair. I began to feel my sense of self erode further, so desperately I tried to define myself by my social relationships, most of which I couldn't properly remember, as they were being erased as much as everything else in the universe.

I ran up the stairs outside Eliot College, and caught a glimpse of Felix. For the first time in what felt like a fucking everlasting moment outside of time itself I had some kind of grounding in reality. I remembered smoking the stuff and realised the universe wasn't being folded up by God like a slice of ham folded up by Nigel Tufnel.

The peculiar thing about it though was that I didn't feel tremendously bad afterwards, just very, very strange. Despite having perhaps the most nightmarish experience of my life, I just felt fascinated at how utterly distorted my perception of reality had become, as well as putting my present concerns in some kind of perspective by threatening to eradicate them completely, along with the rest of comprehensible existence. All in all, an interesting drug.

Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Wretched

annie dragged me to GAYSIN on wednesday. didn't fuckin tell me it was JASEN (just another shit emo night - my clever inversion of its actual title) - she called me up saying she was going to a "metal" club and it was 2 quid with a flyer. bastard. also tom had a cold and now he's given it to me. bastard.

drank cheap cider on a ledge by centerpoint way too quickly on an empty stomach, and was completely out-of-it by the time i got there. i remember will the paedophile metalhead being there headbanging away in amongst the HXC pussies. he hangs around in every rock/metal night in london, distributes flyers, and apparently has a penchant for 12/13 year old girls. but apart from that, he's not that similar to me.

after that, nothing - i think i may have vomited either inside or outside the borderline, because the bouncers were unsure about letting me back in. i fucked off about, i dunno, 1 o clock, took about 2 hours getting to finsbury park (during which i think i tried to use a travelcard to get in a taxi), then had to ring home to get a cab.

hangover lasted about a day and a half-two days, and my right eye is still bloodshot for some reason. now i have this stupid fucking cold.

still vaguely irritated that annie tricked me into going, but oh well.

On this earth - lay me down
Soil my blood - this shell will fade
Gods with eyes - i'm ready now
At the hanging tree - giver of life
Great mother heal - I will rise

(I believe in you - we all keep the flame
We are all pure flame inside)

Down spiraling outward
Revive to survive
Prey to the mystics
Prey on

Dust falls through my hands
Dreams shatter away
Burning glow turns to ash
Thrown to wind

The weave in my dreams
My strength of fates
The tunneling helix
Tongue a flame

A healing delusion
Beyond true will
A seering blue gaze
Breath my fire

What hath god wrought
Divine misthought
No senses, cold and sedate
A self-imposed
Fear-driven state
Too hurt to see
Unhidden truth
Increasing void
Worsened fate

Strength of Fates - Neurosis

stolen basically for the benefit of flaaa_blah, since she's the only person who actually reads the boring crap i write.


1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Alright it's great Trents off the drugs these days, but sweet jesus, were they the only things making him write decent music? They sound like some shitty Gang of Four tribute band for lank-haired emo fucks. How the mighty hath fallen eh?

Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile (when they were still good)

On Monday, I bunked off college, turning up briefly to deliver my film, guitar in tow and clad in oversized leatherware, and said "Yeah, sorry I can't stay. I've got band practice."

Which was sort of true as Paul organised a jam session with me, him, Simon, and his mate (also named Paul).

After my appallingly lame performance on the research presentation thing, I actually felt pretty fucking cool strutting the college grounds, arrogantly ignoring the petty rudeboys that infest the area at lunchtime.

While I was down Simon's house, he got a call from his ex-neighbour saying she can get him and as many of his friends as he wanted (including me) to be extras in a club scene in some film with Huey Lewis from the Fun Lovin' Criminals in it.

It happens to be next Monday, so if I turn up I *really* want to stop off at college, if weather is suitably chilly clad in my oversized leather jacket, and just say:
"Yeah, sorry I can't stay. I'm in some film with Huey Lewis in it."

Which would officially make me the most awesome bloke in existence, within that area of space and time. If it wasn't for my all-consuming self-loathing I might even get a bit arrogant after all this.

The Steamy World of Pete Waterman has been updated again, probably for the worst, this time with a semi-hilarious page about Simon Allen's evil. it made me laugh at least.
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/belzub/evil.html

and for your eyes only (i'm not putting it on the main page), some one-shot attempt at yet another weird site i did when i was about sixteen or seventeen:
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/belzub/worldoffun.html

went to see borat: cultural learnings of america for make benefit glorious nation of kazakhstan with annie (yeah *the* annie) today. what i want to know is, how did borat wrestle that fat bloke naked without getting the guys balls in his face.

hardly spoke to her though. she walks too fast for me to really be able to communicate properly without shouting.

and oh look its my birthday.

bye!

having just about recovered from my latest cold, i've suddenly been afflicted with a Slight Headache. HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH????? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?????????

in other news, i watched oldboy today, which is about violent dentistry and incest. i mean, like, a *totally* overused plot, but not a bad film nonetheless.